I’m Not Okay

not okay

I’m not okay, and that’s okay for me to say.

I’m not okay.

I’m not saying it for attention. It’s not a cry for help. I don’t really want your sympathy. If you have cake to offer, I’ll gladly take a slice, though.

I’ve started falling apart, I’m not savoring life
I’ve forgotten how good it could be to feel alive
– Biffy Clyro, “Machines”

If 2016 was a year of public loss – with the likes of Alan Rickman, Carrie Fisher, and David Bowie, amongst many, MANY others, leaving our shores – 2017 is shaping up to be one of personal loss for me.

I’ve lost my voice. I don’t feel like I can trust myself to say what I need to say and do what I need to do.

It wasn’t until I was listening to music with my kid that I heard some lyrics that really hit home. Leave it to a Scottish rock band to break through my funk.

I’ve got a lot of love
And I’ve got a lot of ways to show it
You should know by now that I’m broken
And I need your help
– Biffy Clyro, “Re-arrange”

I’ve thought about writing all this up a dozen times before now, but we live in a world of vaguebooking and subtweeting, and, honestly, I don’t want to come across as melodramatic. We need to be able to admit that we’re not doing our best, that we feel our worst. Feeling low isn’t always about The Thing That Happened To Make Us Feel This Way; sometimes it’s about a neuron misfiring or a chemical not balancing or just needing to take a step back and breathe.

Crazy as it sounds, you won’t feel as low as you feel right now
At least that’s what I’ve been told by everyone
– Biffy Clyro, “Machines”

We need to be able to share how we feel with whomever we want and expect them equally not to roll their eyes or immediately phone the emergency line. Maybe, you know, they can just phone us and say ‘How about some pizza?’ (Who doesn’t want pizza?) or ‘Want me to bring over an Eddie Izzard DVD?’ (Who doesn’t want Eddie Izzard?). It might be hard in the world we’ve created for ourselves on the internet, but leading with compassion is a good start. If we’re always terrified by the response we’ll get from opening up, we’ll keep everything inside and let it hurt us more.

Be kind to someone today.

No Comments
Leave a Reply