Lifestyle Motherhood

Sometimes I Feel Like A Big Fat Fucking Failure, And That’s Okay

Failure

Every now and then, life feels like too much. Like pretty much everyone else that participates in the daily grind, I find myself feeling as though I will surely shatter into pieces, if something does not give. You know the feeling I’m talking about– the feeling of failure, the one where you are sure the universe is trying to morph you into Stretch Armstrong. Where you’re being pulled into so many different directions that all you can do is hold on and hope someone lets you off the ride eventually.

Here’s a quick rundown of my recent existential crises:

1. I. Am. The. Worst. Mother. I snap at my kids and expect good behavior and I am strict and I do not spend enough time with them and they don’t have a dog and fuck every kid needs a dog and I’m definitely going to send them into a tailspin of future issues wherein they will go broke paying for therapy and they’ll resent me and I’ll never see my grandchildren and will die a lonely bitter hag.

2. I. Am. The. Worst. Wife. My sweet, sexy husband is a literal saint and I am a fucking shrew that fights about nothing and everything and I’m not really all that terribly domestic and I don’t make him plates at parties or make sure his clothes are cleaned and folded and pressed and we have a lot of REALLY good sex but is it enough and is he satisfied or is one of those basketball moms that also thinks my husband is sweet and sexy and super cute cuz he’s good with the kids and that would definitely S his D, like, every day going to move in on him and OMG he’s going to leave me for her and there goes that lonely bitter hag thing again.

3. I. Am. The. Worst. Friend. Friends, what are friends? I know I had some at one point but now I have two kids a husband a couple of cats a house a full-time job another full-time job and a Girl Scout troop that I’m trying to keep afloat somehow but honestly I kind of suck at it and I don’t remember the last time I sat down with my dearest oldest friend and had a drink and a smoke with her and just talked endlessly about nothing and everything because she also has two kids a husband a house a couple of dogs a full-time job and a whole slew of her own goddamn problems. Fuck. I miss friends.

4. I. Am. The. Worst. Family. Member. Parents brother cousins uncles aunts I know I am the worst and I miss a lot of things and I don’t call or keep in touch as often as I should and no it’s nothing you’ve done I’m honestly just a flaky SOB who cannot get her life together and writes rambling nonsensical stories lacking in punctuation on the internet.

5. I. Am. The. Worst. Employee/r. I have a team of eight people that report directly to me and a lot of people that count on me to get shit done and get it done right and sometimes it feels rather as though I’m letting every single one of my employees peers and superiors down and figure that they probably ask themselves 6,000 times a day how I am still employed and wish they had literally anyone else to deal with because I suck at everything and then I’m also working at night to try and get this website moving and it’s hard to motivate people and get them invested and even do my own writing and work on it and yeah like I said I pretty much just suck.

Failure
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Any of that sound familiar? Those rambling streams of consciousness above are things that flit through my mind on a semi-regular basis. Some days I feel like a Goddess Supreme, ready for anything the patriarchy or universe may throw at me. Other days I feel like a slovenly swamp demon unable to adequately accomplish even the most menial of tasks. My Goddess Supreme days are, thankfully, more regular than my swamp demon days, but they happen. I’m great at putting on a brave face, but sometimes I’d like to just break the fuck down and ugly cry until I can’t breathe with a pint of ice cream to comfort my overburdened soul.

Most of the time, though, I find myself shamed by my feelings. By all accounts, I am a confident, accomplished woman who tries to be a good person, wife, and mother. Sometimes my shame stems from the fact that I feel as though that persona is a fraud. Because, truly, deep down, I am a severely flawed individual with raging insecurities who feels as though all she ever does is run a never-ending circle in the meaningless rat race of life. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the many obligations of which I am committed to personally and professionally. Sometimes I feel like my best option would definitely be to flee to some deserted island with some miraculous power source where I can eat shellfish, watch TV and read books in silence for the rest of my life.

And yet.. once I finally get a grip on myself, I am able to see through the fog of responsibility and find my perspective. I look at my sweet, sexy husband and see the glint in his eyes that has been there since we first laid eyes on each other, more than seventeen years ago. I see the man he has become, and remember the boy I used to know, and relish in the love that we have for each other and the richness of the life we have built.

I look at our daughters, made out of love and raised in never-ending supplies of it. I see their future, however tenuous it may be, and the sensational impact they could make on the world. I see our future together, as a family, with endless memories yet to be made, and unforgettable ones already in the padlock of my memory.

I look at my job, which I do actually truly enjoy, and the co-workers and mentors that I have genuine affection for, and I am thankful beyond measure to call it mine. I look at this website, and the menagerie of women that helped me create it and still help me support it, and I am warmed and moved down to my very soul by the magic we generate together. I look at my astounding second-grade Girl Scouts and watch them learn how to work together, and solve problems, and learn the ins and outs of business through cookie sales, and realize that we will learn the ropes of this new dynamic together.

The point is this: I realize that I am lucky that I can usually find a way to pull myself from the abyss of self doubt. I also know that there are many people in the world that struggle with these insecurities and anxieties on a daily basis. But I also know that those feelings are nothing to be ashamed of. To be human is to suffer these emotions. To be ALIVE is to suffer these emotions. If you’re a mom, a professional, a wife, all of these things or none of these things, please do not berate yourself for feeling inadequate at times.

Life is really fucking hard sometimes, and one can only feel true joy if they have experienced true sorrow and hardship. These struggles are the scars we bear for lives well-lived, love given and taken, and the lines on our faces are the proof of our joy. No one is perfect, and no one is without insecurity or that occasional sense of failure, but it’s time we stop expecting from ourselves that of which we do not expect from others.

Dani Strehle, Editor-in-Chief and Co-Founder, is hoping to reshape the narrative to leave behind a better world for her daughters, so that they may sustain, rather than battle and rebuild.

1 Comment
  • Deon

    I feel the EXACT same all the time! There are so many things in my life that i could look back on aith regret or shame, but i realise i have an amazing partner and best friend and an incredible support system. Whenever it feels like the walls are caving in, I see the grit, determination, desire and FIERCE independent spirit of the love of my life, and know that if she can make it through the shit storm of life then dammit so can I. Thank you for writing this, for baring your soul , and showing all of us that these trials in life make us strong, and if we are feeling weak or down in the dumps, when it comes down to it, we are all fighting together. I love your writing style, btw. You make me crack up and are so relatable! Keep up the great work!

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